Review 109: Piranha 3DD

I have to say I'm a big fan of the guilty pleasure movie and at the end of the day as much as I love my Scandinavian noir and my Indie comedy dramas occasionally there's nothing better than a brainless Jason Statham movie. A couple of years ago I have to say I did have fun watching Piranha 3D thanks to the retro feel of the piece as well as the efforts of Elisabeth Shue to keep a straight face reciting some of the ridiculous dialogue that was given to her. Two years later and the franchise returns without Shue however both Ving Rhames and Christopher Lloyd play their characters from the first film but only in short cameos which is a shame. The main plot revolves around marine biology student Maddy who returns home to find that her step-father Chet has turned the waterpark that they co-own into a semi-pornographic venture in which strippers frolic merrily in the water. Of course it's not long before the piranhas make their presence felt, including an opening scene featuring a game Gary Busey, as two of Maddy's friends are devoured after their truck falls into a fish-laden lake meanwhile another of her friends has one of the critters crawl up her vagina later biting the penis of the unlucky lad that she is trying to lose her virginity to. After discovering the fish they rush to Lloyd's fish shop where he tells them to be careful however this doesn't stop Chet from opening his water park inviting David Hasslehoff to appear as the guest lifeguard. Inevitably the piranhas soon kill off a lot of the strippers as well as the main baddies, Chet and Maddy's corrupt cop ex-boyfriend Kyle, however Rhames' former sheriff is on hand with his new gun legs to finish them off. Like in the last film once the survivors have vanquished the piranhas there is another call from Lloyd informing them that the piranhas have now evolved meaning that we may yet get a third film which for me was the most horrific thought coming out of this film.

While I tried my hardest to find some sort of pleasure in Piranha 3DD after watching it I mainly felt guilty even if it was only about 80 minutes long. On the plus side Lloyd and Rhames' contributions to the film added a sort of camp value to proceedings as did Hasslehoff's appearance and Busey's opening attack however none of these are asked to anchor the film. Instead it is the young cast all of whom are utterly dire, despite them including both Danielle Panabaker and 30 Rock's Katrina Bowden, while the villains are utterly stupid. The idea that a sane person wouldn't close down a water park when piranhas may attack their clientele is just completely ludicrous even if this film doesn't claim to be based in reality. I would go so far as to say that the majority of the film is misogynistic with the stripper pool just be a vile idea to try and lure lonely men into the cinema with the chance to see 3D breasts. Offensive and crude I would advise you just to watch the first two Cranks if you want a guilty pleasure film and leave Piranha 3DD on the shelf where it belongs then thankfully they won't be able to make a third film.

Verdict: What should be a guilty pleasure classic is an offensive mess with only a couple of game cameo performances saving it from becoming the worst film of the year so I just because of Rhames and The Hoff I'll give it 2/10