Review No.144: Battleship

It seems now that films can be based on anything video games have been a great source of inspiration for film-makers, especially with dirge such as Street Fighter and Doom, while one of the most popular franchises of all time was based on a fairground ride that of course being Pirates of the Caribbean. Board games though on the whole have been left out of the loop with the possible exception of Clue, based on our British Cluedo, but then that has defined characters plus an easy to adapt murder mystery plot. Hancock director Peter Berg has taken up the challenge of directing a film based on a popular board game that has no characters but simply a board full of holes and five plastic vessels yes I'm talking of Battleship. The film stars Berg's old Friday Night Light's colleague Taylor Kitsch, who with this and John Carter isn't having a good year career wise, who stars as Alex Hopper a stereotypical slacker who is in his mid-twenties but has no life to speak of and whose navy Admiral brother Stone wants to do something with his life. After being arrested for an incident involving a chicken burrito Stone finally convinces Alex to sign up to the Navy and seven years later we find him working as a lieutenant but still has a temper on him. Alex is also now dating the daughter of his commander, played by a very gruff Liam Nesson who pops up only occasionally throughout the film and whom I'm betting received a hefty paycheck for his appearance, however after almost getting kicked out of the navy he feels it's not the best time to approach it. At the same time as all this is going on NASA makes contact with five alien ships who come to the Earth with the intention to finish us off and a big shooty battle starts up between the ships operated by the Hopper brothers and company and the alien fleet. During this time Alex has to step up and take responsibility as he finds himself as the most senior officer on the ship and is tasked with finding the aliens' weakness. Meanwhile Alex's girlfriend Samantha is stuck with one of her ex-military clients Mick, she's a very unconvincing physical therapist, who randomly meet up with Hamish Linklater's geeky scientist with the three trying to aid the Navy fleet in their war with the aliens. Eventually the crew have to board  a battleship, that's the name of the film after all, but will hitting G3, H3, I3 sink the aliens? Well unfortunately it's not that sort of film.

On the end credits of Battleship in big writing we are told that the film is 'Based on the Hasbro Game' however I didn't see any evidence of it here. Instead what I saw was a film that had its basis in the Transformer sequels as well as elements of a shoddy War of the Worlds rip-off and a bit of homoerotic Top Gun fun thrown in for good measure. I have to say it did have a semi-promising start with the bar scene between the Hopper brothers however once everybody is aboard their respective ships things start to go downhill fast and there's a lot more shooting than dialogue. Peter Berg is an interesting director because he has made some interesting films in the past, including Friday Night Lights and The Kingdom which was patchy but still had its moments, however when he's handed a massive budget he seems to fudge things up you just have to watch Hancock to see what I mean. Taylor Kitsch is once again playing the handsome male lead however it is Alexander Sarsgaard as his brother who I think lends the most gravitas to the film while as I mentioned Neeson's brief cameos are also worthwhile if few and far between. The one casting choice I have to disagree is R&B superstar Rihanna who is playing Raikes a weapons expert who spends most of the time strutting round looking like a bit of a tomboy but she doesn't do enough to convince you that it's not just the girl who sung Umbrella prancing around in camouflage. In fact when Rihanna is paired up with some of the naval veterans on the battleship they look more likely to be able to successfully operate heavy artillery than she does and at the end of the day she plays the most unconvicing member of the military on screen since Meg Ryan was a fighter pilot. The only briefly entertaining segments of the film were between Brooklyn Decker's Samantha, Hamish Linklater's scientist and Gregory D Gadson's wounded military hero with the three forming an unlikely trio trying to bring down the alien attack in their own way. It is these scenes that provide both humour and heart however as most of the money has been spent elsewhere they don't get as much screentime as the ship bound boys and girls. Personally I think it was a mistake to try and turn Battleship into a film in the first place but I would've made it into a more old school Naval epic rather than a sub-part Transformers rip-off with Rihanna getting more screen time than Liam Neeson. If you enjoy things blowing up with no real plot behind them, so in other words if you're Michael Bay, then you'll enjoy this but if like me you'd rather watch something with substance I'd wait for the Guess Who film to come out as we all know that would be class.

Verdict: Though there are moments of clarity in there overall Battleship has some really bad performances and uses tons of explosions instead of a coherent plot so for that reason I will award it 2.5/10

Review No.100: John Carter

So we've reached the halfway stage earlier than expected so break open that champagne and release those party poppers however first maybe you'll want to read my review of John Carter. Yes for my 100th film I thought I'd choose one of the most talked about films of the year so far as this family space-set adventure has lost Disney approximately 150 million dollars. Starting off in Civil War Virginia it sees Carter trying to escape being enlisted by some weird army dudes led by Bryan Cranston only to escape from the Indians into a cave and ends up in space thanks to a magic medallion. Carter is transported to Mars, however just to confuse everybody Mars here is known as Barsoom, and quickly discovers the fights between two warring cities Helium and Zodanga one of which has loads of green dudes while the other has men who have tattoos all ove their faces. John is heralded by all of the people of Barsoom for his ability to jump very high and punch people quite hard in the face, essentially possessing the qualities of an early 1990s video game character, this earns him respect but also makes some people distrust him. There's obviously a love interest for Carter in the form of Lynn Collins' Dejah Thoris the Princess of Helium, that doesn't mean she has a high voice, who is engaged to Dominic West's Zodanga prince as their wedding would hopefully unite all of Barsoom. Obviously Carter won't let that happen so after fleeing from a gladiatorial space arena and then becoming the leader of Helium he heads over to stop the wedding and overthrow the evil men with tattoos on their faces. If this weren't confusing enough all of this is being narrated by Carter through diaries written to his nephew the novelist Edgar Rice Burroughs who at the end of the story becomes one of the characters in his own right because that's just the way this film works.

Headache. That's really my one word review of John Carter a film that obviously started as a labour of love for director Andrew Stanton but turned into a nightmare when Disney got its hand on it. Of course the big issue was the loss of the words Of Mars after John Carter as the marketing people didn't want audiences who weren't sci-fi fans to be put off by those words despite the poster featuring actor Taylor Kitsch being framed behind a red planet. Stanton, famous for his work directing Pixar films such as Wall-E and Finding Nemo, does bring a cartoonish sensibility here however these characters don't feel as real as the animated ones he's directed in the past. There are some generally interesting set pieces, such as the gladiator scenes and the final battle, as well as some very hammy acting but there are far too many problems to look at this film in a favourable light. For one thing there are just too many odd character and place names to get your head around Han Solo and Luke Skywalker were easy names to remember Tars Takas and Kantos Kan role off the tongue less easily. The effects generally aren't that special with the Tharks, the green alien beings, not looking all that impressive unless Stanton really wanted a retro vibe for his film and if he wanted he certainly got it. As a lead character Carter is exactly a hero often running away from problems, trying to steal gold or punching people in the face while Kitsch is such a charmless actor that he really can't pull off being a loveable rogue or for that matter create any convincible chemistry with female lead Collins. It's up to the veteran British actors to do some hammy performances as the evil doers with Dominic West and Ciaran Hinds doing a reasonable job however for the second film in a row it is Mark Strong who has the best time doing his evil face. So that's film 100 for you and as I embark on the second half of my voyage I can be safe in the knowledge that I'll never have to watch John Carter again.

Verdict: A few decent flourishes save this film from being utter rubbish so I feel I'm being overly generous by giving this a 4/10